Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
