so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
