she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
