I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My pussy is not your playground.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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