I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize