So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize
