I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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