the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
