Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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