She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
