weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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