sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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