Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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