Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
