Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
