how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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