people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
