Sacagawea was the original milf.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
