i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
