this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Randomize
