I think i sorta joined a cult last night
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
