If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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