I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
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