My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
last night I used snow as a chaser
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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