he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
