I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
