2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
