Jerry, you need to find god
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
