Need sex. Gaining weight.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
two words: eviction party
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
My liver just had a heart attack.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize