Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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