Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
Randomize
