No stitches, just platelets and will power
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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