We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
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