I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
