she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
i may or may not be watching the land before time
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize