Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize