Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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