saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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