also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
