Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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