Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
