What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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