Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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