im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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