life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
