There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
