Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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