worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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