All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
What did we do last night that was yellow?
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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