I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Randomize
