I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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