you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
