the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
