No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
