nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
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