Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
